


Looking Fine in Our Time Machine

by moeexyz



Category: Doctor Who, Parks and Recreation
Genre: Crossover, Gen, Tammy is a literal alien monster, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-21
Updated: 2017-10-21
Packaged: 2019-01-21 01:19:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12446296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moeexyz/pseuds/moeexyz
Summary: The Doctor travels with his new companion, Jean-Ralphio Saperstein.Originally uploaded to LJ and FF.net in 2011.





	Looking Fine in Our Time Machine

**Author's Note:**

> Uploaded with some minor changes.

The Doctor meets a lot of interesting people in Pawnee. Of course he does, he meets interesting people everywhere. But it's as if Pawnee had a surplus, and they're all connected to the Parks Department. The Parks Department that's currently being attacked by a ruthless alien.

Leslie's screaming out seven escape plans at once, so they all come in a jumbled mess that no one really understands, and Andy's barricading the door with desks while Ann makes sure that whatever alien sludge fell on Jerry's arm isn't actually harmful, (it isn't), while April and Tom both yell at her that it's not safe and they should just kill Jerry. It's a little more hectic than usual, and the Doctor always expects it to be hectic, so that's saying something.

The alien they're all panicking over is in fact, Tammy Swanson the second. She'd infiltrated the humans, and married a government employee in the hopes of bringing some useful information back home, but her time had run out, and her perception filter had faltered, and now she was trying to eat everybody. It's all very distracting.

"We have no choice; we must kill her," Ron says, without even flinching.

"No, no, no, no, no! We won't be killing anybody today," the Doctor snaps.

"Are you kidding? Have you seen that thing?" Ben exclaims.

"Ben's right. If we don't do something that things gonna gobble us all up, and I'm not sitting around here waiting to get eaten by an alien," Donna says. "Especially not an alien that works in the _library,_ " She adds with disdain.

"What's wrong with the library?" The Doctor asks, then shakes his head. "No. Another time, we need to find a way out of here first, then we decide what we do about Tammy. We need--" But before he can finish the doors smash open, flinging the various desks away. Tammy steps in, oozing and hissing, and grinning at them with several hundred, sharp, green teeth.

Everyone runs in any direction they can. April, Andy, Ann and Jerry pile into Leslie's office, while Tom and Donna scrabble at the barricade that Andy made at the door to the courtyard, trying to flee any way they can. Ron retreats to his own office, muttering something about a _damn gun,_ and Leslie starts throwing anything she can reach at Tammy. It's mostly just binders.

Tammy continues to step inside, and Leslie continues to protect her beloved Parks Department, but it doesn't seem to be doing any good.

"Do something!" Ben yells at the Doctor, hurtling a stapler at one of Tammy's eyes.

"Right," The Doctor nods. He can fix this, he just needs to get to the weak spot on Tammy's back. If she's what he thinks she is, all he has to do is sonic it and she'll start spasming and shrink. He really, really hopes she is what he thinks she is. "I need to get to her back," he tells Ben, who's still throwing things.

"What?!" Ben shouts.

"I need--"

"No, I heard you. It's just that your idea is impossible and insane!"

"Nothing's impossible," the Doctor tells, him, although he has a point about the insane part.

"We need to distract her," he says.

"How are we supposed to-- oh crap!"

It's at that moment that Ron comes out with an actual gun, and marches determinedly towards Tammy. "It's time to end this once and for all, Tammy," He says calmly and points the gun between all three of Tammy's giant, alien eyes.

"No!" the Doctor shouts, and pushes Ron out of the way. Of course this leaves him in Tammy's path. He didn't think this one through too well. He sticks his hand in his pocket, reaching for his sonic, and where is his sonic?! He cannot lose it! Not now!

Tammy steps closer and raises one of her many arms and then--

"Whoa! Hey! Hello there!" Some one calls out from behind her. Tammy turns and there's that Jean-Ralphio one, holding a clipboard as a shield. "Hey .... sexy," He says, and looks as if he's holding back a gag.

"Jean-Ralphio, what are you doing?" Tom shouts, from where he's trying to break a window for a way out.

"I-- uh" He starts, but gulps down anything he was going to say at the step Tammy takes towards him.

The Doctor spots the sonic by Ben's feet. And then he thinks of a plan.

"Yes! Yes! Jean-Ralphio, keep doing that! Distract her!" He shouts, and scurries towards Ben.

Jean-Ralphio looks at a loss for a moment and then--

"A to the L to the I-E-N."

The Doctor reaches the sonic and begins to run to Tammy's back, to the soft spot.

"Tammy's an alien we cannot defend--"

He stretches out his arm, and sonics the spot.

"--ourselves from."

Tammy spasms, and then her whole body goes limp. Her heads lull forward, and she falls on her stomach, causing Jean-Ralphio to jump backwards in fright. She begins to shrivel up and shrink, while the Parks Department watch in awe. She becomes so small she almost looks like a rock. The Parks Department gape at each other while the Doctor grins at Jean-Ralphio.

"You did it!" He announces with delight. Jean-Ralphio's mouth just hangs open at him. "You saved my life! All our lives in fact!" The Doctor continues, clapping his hands together.

There's a long dragged out beat, and then Ben finally closes his mouth and frowns at the Doctor. "What just happened?"

"I think we just got rescued," Leslie says. Then adds "by Jean-Ralphio?" Like that's the weirdest part of this entire day.

Ron looks from Leslie to Ben to the Doctor, then shrugs. He walks over to Jean-Ralphio, and gives him a grateful pat on the back. And then, before the Doctor can stop him, he steps on Tammy's tiny remains.

"Bitch."

\--

So, Jean-Ralphio doesn't have much going on in his life. That's not to say he hasn't done anything with his life, because he totally has, _(Mom)_. He built an entertainment company. He built a company from scratch. Granted, it bombed after four months, and Tom really was most of the brains behind it, but he still _did it_. His life's not, like, empty or whatever. But he won't deny that sometimes Pawnee's a little too small for all his awesome. And he doesn't mean to sound like a dick, but he's never really going to achieve anything here.

Also, the Doctor's pretty dope. He's British, which would definitely make him a good wingman, and he wears a dope bow-tie, and he keeps grinning at Jean-Ralphio like Jean-Rlaphio's freaking Kanye West or something. And Jean-Ralphio likes the feeling he gets from knowing he totally saved everybody's ass from Ron Swanson's psycho-alien ex.

That's why when the Doctor asks him to come with him on his time-machine, Jean-Ralphio says yes without hesitation.

He has no reason to stay. Entertainment7wenty doesn't even exist anymore, and sure he'll miss Big T, but Tom's got his whole Parks thing going on again, and what does Jean-Ralphio have? Because he's sure as hell not going back to Lady Footlocker.

Plus, space is fly.

So he says yes, and the Doctor shows him the TARDIS, while Jean-Ralphio rambles on about how he wants to get it on with a three-boobed purple alien lady, and then something occurs to him.

" _Whoaaaaaaa_ , wait!"

The Doctor smirks. "That's right. It's--"

"Smaller on the outside!" Jean-Ralphio exclaims, grinning from ear to ear.

"Well, that's one way to put it," The Doctor starts. He hops down the steps to the console, two at a time, and stops right in front of Jean-Ralphio's face. "So, _Jean-Ralphio_ ," He says, like he's mulling over the name. "Where do you want go?"

"I don't know," Jean-Ralphio admits. "Dinosaurs would be sweet. But then again, so would robots."

The Doctor smiles. "Don't worry about that. We have all of time and space. We can go see dinosaurs, and robots, and robot-dinosaurs if you want to." His smile grows at the way Jean-Ralphio watches him wide-eyed. "Anywhere you like, Jean-Ralphio. Just name it, and I'll find it for you."

Jean-Ralphio thinks about it for a minute. "What about some hot aliens?"

The Doctor takes a step back and runs, back up to the console. "Hot aliens it is!" He exclaims, pulling on a lever and pressing on a few colourful buttons. "Hold tight!"

\--

It turns out that when Jean-Ralphio said hot aliens, he meant attractive female aliens. What the Doctor brings him to is a planet with red, cube-looking things that have arms and legs, and seven eyes, and radiate so much heat that Jean-Ralphio has to wear shorts and a Hawaiian shirt he finds in the TARDIS wardrobe. The Doctor keeps all his clothes, except the tweed, but carries on as if he's not completely melting.

 _Bad-ass_ Jean-Ralphio thinks, as they explore the almost boiling land of a name he can't pronounce. It has twenty-nine suns, and the weird cubic people spend their day bouncing around hoping to find some special flower to help their vegetation grow. Jean-Ralphio finds one in a random garden, and accidentally causes himself and the Doctor to get chased by a bunch of cubes.

Jean-Ralphio thinks maybe if he'd listened in Geometry this might not have happened, but he doesn't remember his teacher ever telling him to look-out for homicidal cubes who want flowers.

They come to a black river, that looks like tar, and the cubes try to kill them with spears, and the Doctor sweats, beside Jean-Ralphio rambling on about peacefulness, and Jean-Ralphio feels the flower in his hand pull to the river. He tries to hold it, he really does, but the pull is strong, and if he doesn't let go the flower will bring him with it. It flies out of his hand, landing right in the center, and Jean-Ralphio's positive he's gonna die now. He's gonna be murdered by cubes, and he never even got to see hot aliens. But then the Doctor shouts, "Stop! Look! Look!" and points to sky. The river is evaporating, and raining down on them, and as soon as the black rain lands around them a bunch of crazy-coloured plants start to grow.

The cubes let them go, and once they're back in the TARDIS the Doctor apologizes for bringing them there.

"To be fair, you could have been clearer about what you meant. How else am I supposed to know hot aliens doesn't actually mean _hot aliens?_ " He says, waving his arms around and pressing buttons. "You humans and your libidos, I swear," He mumbles under his breath, and takes them away again.

\--

The next time, he takes Jean-Ralphio to a planet full of women. Yellow women, that are fortunate in the chest area, (although the Doctor refuses to admit he notices), and only one eye, (but Jean-Ralphio shrugs and says, "It's cool. I dig the Futurama thing.")

The Doctor wanders off while Jean-Ralphio flirts with them, but Jean-Ralphio doesn't worry too much about it. More for him. The ladies seem to like his suggestion that they all dance together. He grinds from girl to girl and beatboxes along to some crazy alien song playing in the background, and they all lick their lips and smile at him. He thinks he can get behind the one-eye thing. It's kind of a turn-on.

The dance starts to slow down, and the ladies all grab for him, and they have really sharp nails. Jean-Ralphio likes the women here, way more than the ones on Earth. He'll have marks for days from all the love he's getting here. Except that it's starting to hurt a little, and they look like they want to kill him rather than bang him.

It's not until the Doctor appears on a balcony above him shouting, "Jean-Ralphio, _run!_ " That he starts to realize, maybe they do want to kill him.

He tries to run, but the ladies all grab him and hold him still. Their nails dig into almost every part of him, and he thinks he misses the women Earth a little bit.

The Doctor runs out of a building with another woman, but she's orange unlike the rest of them. They're both playing instruments that look like nothing Jean-Ralphio's ever seen before. The instruments make the yellow ladies wince and let go of Jean-Ralphio, and Jean-Ralphio runs to the Doctor as the orange chick continues to chase the others away.

"Why did you do that?" The Doctor exclaims with concern.

"Do what?"

"Dance with them! You can't dance with Juryans! That's like walking up to a Dalek and asking for a hug!"

"What's a Dalek?" Jean-Ralphio asks, but the Doctor ignores him and continues on after orange babe.

When they find her, she looks pissed; the way some girls get when Jean-Ralphio hangs around them for too long at the Snakehole.

"What is wrong with you?" She yells and smacks Jean-Ralphio on the arm. "Are you trying to start a war or something?" Jean-Ralphio thinks she's actually kind of hot. Certainly hotter than the yellow chicks, but that's probably because she's not trying to stab him with her nail-knives. Instead, she's hitting him repeatedly. "Are you trying to get us all killed?"

"Calm down, Sneriaph," The Doctor says standing between her and Jean-Ralphio. "He didn't know." He turns back to Jean-Ralphio and explains how there has been tension between the yellow and the orange people for thousands of years. And how they're the only two species left on this planet because of it. And how dancing is the biggest insult to the yellow people ever. And how the orange people haven't danced for years because it was too high a risk. And how he probably started a war because he tried to woo a few hotties.

He feels a little guilty. Sneriaph continues to freak out at him, and the Doctor continues to try and calm her down saying that they can reason with the yellow people and save Juryan.

"Why are you guys fighting?" Jean-Ralphio asks, interrupting Sneriaph's tirade.

"What?"

"Why are you and the yellow babes in a fight? What did they do?"

"They kidnapped our queen," Sneriaph answers him. "They wanted our riches and she refused, so they kidnapped her, and now their using her for ransom. She only refused because they wouldn't gives us more food supply form their side of the planet."

"We'll find a way to get her back, I promise," The Doctor assured Sneriaph.

"Why don't you just give it to them?" Jean-Ralphio asks.

"We will not pay their ransom! It's ridiculous, they don't deserve it."

"Not the ransom. _Everything._ You're the only two species on the planet. Give them your wealth and join forces," Jean-Ralphio says. "I was in the Snakehole once and these two chicks were fighting about which one was hotter, and one of them thought she had better boobs and the other thought she had better legs, but in the end my friend Big T got them to make out. They put their hotness together, and they became _really_ hot."

Sneriaph frowns at him like he's crazy, and the Doctor looks like he can't decide if he's proud or disgusted with what Jean-Ralphio just said, but he seems to like Jean-Ralphio's plan because he goes along with it.

In the end, they manage an armistice between the yellow and orange girls, and Sneriaph kisses Jean-Ralphio on the cheek before he and the Doctor leave again.

Overall, not the worst experience Jean-Ralphio has ever had while trying to pick up a chick.

\--

The Doctor takes him to meet robot-dinosaurs like he said, and Jean-Ralphio nearly dies again. He starts to realize this is the sort of thing that happens with the Doctor, but it doesn't make traveling with him any less cool.

They go to a planet that smells like kool-aid, and all the people have six fingers, and the king is keeping money from everybody because his queen died and he's bitter. The Doctor tries to reason with him that he'll find love again, but the king seems pretty set on being a douche. Jean-Ralphio gets him a little tipsy, takes him to the nearest club, (or at least what he thinks is a club on this planet), and proceeds to wingman him. He gets the king a rebound; a sassy woman who turns him down at first because he's the king and he's kind of a jackass, but if there's one thing Jean-Ralphio knows, it's how to look like an even bigger jackass so that his friends look good.

The king totally scores, and gives his people back their money. Jean-Ralphio thinks maybe he has a knack for this saving the day thing.

He should have been a time-traveler long ago, because he is currently rocking at it. He's saved two planets already, and he still hasn't forgotten about Tammy. The Doctor seems equally impressed, and he always gives Jean-Ralphio this proud grin that makes Jean-Ralphio feel a little better about himself. He doesn't think anyone ever grinned at him like he's actually competent before, the Doctor. Except for maybe Big T.

\--

The first time Jean-Ralphio meets the Daleks, he and the Doctor get split up. The Doctor has run off with some locals from Vregna to investigate a broken pump or something, and Jean-Ralphio gets taken by the Daleks because apparently they were behind all of this. He doesn't get why the Doctor hates them so much. Paranormal Activity was scarier than they are, (which is fair because Paranormal Activity was freaky.)

They take Jean-Ralphio, and threaten to kill him. Maybe that part's a little scary, but Jean-Ralphio has almost died before. He thinks he might be a little immune to it now. And he has faith that the Doctor's totally gonna save his ass.

But the Doctor doesn't save his ass. Instead, his ass gets saved by a babe with blonde curly hair and a gun. Jean-Ralphio's a little wary of her at first, because he knows the Doctor doesn't dig guns, but then he sees them together and she totally has a cougar thing going on with the Doctor. Although, that might not count 'cause the Doctor's like a million years old, or something.

Once he knows she's cool, Jean-Ralphio introduces himself.

"Hello beautiful, I'm Jean-Ralphio."

"River Song." She raises an eyebrow at him, and gives the Doctor a look. "Where did you find this one, sweetie?" she asks him.

"I was about to ask him the same thing about you, because you are the hottest thing I've ever seen," Jean-Ralphio says. "Here's the game plan: You, me, and the Doc over there kick some salt-shaker butt. Then you and I head back to the TARDIS, throw on some slow grooves, sip a little red, and we get to know each other a little better. How does that sound, sexy?"

"We don't have time for this! There are Daleks trying to infiltrate this planet's only source of fuel! Your flirting's going to have to take a backseat right now," The Doctor exclaims, waving his arms about excitedly. He pushes between both of them, towards the door, muttering to himself about what his next move's gonna be.

River smirks like there's a joke there somewhere, and gives Jean-Ralphio a wink when she knows the Doctor's looking. She kind of reminds Jean-Ralphio of Donna, and he finds he misses her sass a little bit, but shrugs it off. They've got a planet to save!

\--

The thing Jean-Ralphio likes most about the Doctor is that he feels like he has a purpose with him. He gets that he never really had one in Pawnee, and he feels like if he thinks about it for long enough, he really was kind of a loser there. He doesn't miss getting shot down by chicks, or waiting for Big T to get out of work so he'd have some one to hang with at the Snakehole, or his crappy job at Lady Footlocker.

He misses the people. Tom, Donna, Leslie, Ron Swanson, Ron's hot assistant, that guy in the plaid, Leslie's hot nurse friend; they're good people. When he _really_ thinks about it though, none of them liked him enough for him to stay, so that's why Pawnee doesn't cross his mind much.

But then they stop by some weird little village in some tiny little town because the Doctor has friends he wants to visit. There, Jean-Ralphio meets Amy and Rory. He likes Amy, she's feisty, and has it going on in all the right places, especially the legs. And she likes Jean-Ralphio's flirting, which is sort of a first, (even in other planets, they don't like his flirting). Rory's cool too. He's got the dorky thing going like the Ben always did.

They run into trouble as they always do, and Amy says it's only because the Doctor's visiting. Jean-Ralphio thinks she's probably right, and helps them save the tiny boring little town.

It's not until he and the Doctor have said their goodbyes, and he's back in the TARDIS that he realizes that that tiny little town reminds him of Pawnee. Amy reminds him of a happier April. And Rory's a nurse like Ann was. And he wears plaid like Ben did. And the Doctor's optimistic and confident like Leslie Knope. And the thing that sucks the most about all of these revelations is that nobody's quite like Tom.

Jean-Ralphio knows the Doctor's been traveling in time way longer than he has. If he misses Pawnee from traveling a couple of months, than how much does the Doctor miss his home. In fact, where the hell was his home?

"Hey, Doc?" He asks when the Doctor starts filling in co-ordinates for their next trip. "Where are you from?"

The Doctor stiffens, and Jean-Ralphio thinks he might have crossed a line. He accidentally does that sometimes. The Doctor had reacted the same way when Jean-Ralphio had called the TARDIS sexy, although she didn't seem to mind. And that time he'd called him Space-man. It's just one of those things that the Doctor doesn't like to talk about and Jean-Ralphio doesn't push because he gets the whole privacy thing. He's been served more than one restraining order, thank you very much.

The Doctor's shoulders drop and he turns to Jean-Ralphio with a sad face that makes Jean-Ralphio feel a bit uncomfortable. "Gallifrey." He says quietly. Jean-Ralphio realizes for the first time just how incredibly old the Doctor actually is. He doesn't ask him any more questions, but the Doctor continues anyway.

"It's not there anymore. Something bad happened to it, something very bad." He looks to the glass floor of the console room. "That happens a lot with me actually, Jean-Ralphio. I think I should mention it," He says. "Amy and Rory, they weren't the only ones before you."

"They're happy though," Jean-Ralphio says, because they were. They were smiling, and happy, and had the time of their lives protecting their home planet.

"That's not always how it ends," The Doctor says. "I hope you understand that. I wouldn't want you here if you didn't know what you were getting into."

Jean-Ralphio frowns. "I know what I got myself into, Doc. You and I are homies now; that's a bond for life." Jean-Ralphio thinks of Tom again. He and Tom were homies. But he's not in Pawnee anymore, and Tom doesn't quite need him like the Doctor does, so he buries the nostalgia and pats the Doctor on the shoulder.

He's a time-traveler, he'll have plenty of time to visit Pawnee in the future. Who knows, maybe when he gets back Tom will have kicked off one of his awesome business ideas, and Leslie Knope will be president, and Mouse Rat will be internationally famous. At least it will give them all something to talk about. And by then he and the Doctor will have saved hundreds of Planets. He won't just be Tom's loser friend who works at Lady Footlocker anymore, and he thinks that's gonna be better.

"Alright, Doc, here's the game plan, step one: You're gonna turn that frizown upsidizity. Step two: We'll roll out to some planet in peril, looking fresh in a couple of bow-ties. Step three: We save said planet, and hook up with some purple chicks with three boobs; _hellooo_ bucket list! Step four: I don't swagger out of this TARDIS till I've become the most awesome version of myself that I can be, and that's gonna take a while. So, quit mooning over me, I know I'm dope, but you're dope too. Pawnee can wait for me, because I'm rolling with you."

The Doctor grins at him in a way that he never quite has before, and Jean-Ralphio feels that flush of pride he always gets when the Doctor smiles at him.

 _"Jean-Ralphio_ ," He says, softly, like Jean-Ralphio is the most amazing dude he ever met. "I think you just ended it on a rhyme."

\--

The Doctor starts up the TARDIS and he and Jean-Ralphio continue to roll together. They save planets, and go back in time, and Jean-Ralphio makes a lot of Back to the Future jokes.

He's sleazy, and he has an uncontrollable need to flirt with everyone, and he still calls the TARDIS sexy sometimes, and he calls the Doctor _Doc_ no matter how many times he protests. He makes some great decisions, and the Doctor gets why he started Entertainment7wenty. He also makes some horrible decisions and the Doctor gets why everyone was confused that he saved them from Tammy Swanson.

He says things that make no sense, like "let's swag back to that sweet TARDIS" or "we are looking fine, rolling in our time-machine," and the Doctor thinks he's probably the strangest human he's ever picked up on Earth, because he doesn't quite seem like he belonged there anyway.

Jean-Ralphio keeps true to his word though, and stays with the Doctor through thick and thin, no matter the dangers.

Sometimes, things don't work out, and Jean-Ralphio ends up kind of sad, which is a strange colour on somebody like him. Sometimes things do work out, and Jean-Ralphio hooks up with an alien, or a human from the past, or a human from the future. And they fight occasionally, but they always make up. That's what homies do.

The Doctor tells him about Gallifrey, about the Time War, and about Martha, and Donna, and Rose. (Jean-Ralphio even offers to wingman him for a rebound, whatever that means).

The Doctor met a lot of interesting people in Pawnee. Of course he did, he meets interesting people everywhere.

Jean-Ralphio becomes the most awesome version of himself that he can be, and they visit Pawnee again. But he doesn't leave the Doctor, and he always ends it on the rhyme.

And the Doctor thinks this strange human being might be the most interesting person he's met yet.


End file.
